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I have this battle going on inside me.
These "roles" or "entities" that I assume as I work my way through life. Roles I come to believe -- manifest -- put "who I am" into into messy buckets of understanding. These roles function to influence how I see what I look at. How I see what I look at? Yep. I mean how I look at things -- what's going on inside as I look at them -- has tremendous influence on what I see in them.
This is an idea from Dr. Wayne Dyer; it is surely not new, but taken into my heart as said by him.
These roles -- we all have them, whether we acknowledge them, think about them, or not. We are one thing in our working life; another in our family life, and perhaps another still inside ourselves. Many roles that, as we step away from ourselves, are more or less what we believe is our true self.
Well here we are today Farmer Scott, as I do like to say, navel contemplating. What the heck already, what do you have to say?
I have been an entrepreneur. I am an entrepreneur. It is one of these roles, these understandings of myself that make for a neater more streamlined thinking; to solve problems; to determine action. It has been a very useful role for me to slip into. Curiosity -- challenge -- risk taking -- trail blazing -- going where others fear to tread. Pretty macho stuff, especially when it works. Hey, that's part of the thrill; if there were no risk there wouldn't be much of any reward, either.
So in my role as entrepreneur - I evaluate this whole situation I am in. Even before this raw milk thing came up -- significant doubts as to how we could make this work, here. Not work, period -- as I know with every fiber of my being what we are doing is working - the farm, the direct marketing, the family unit, our appeal to people that are ready for our vision. But what about here, in Stoughton, on this farm, with our neighbors, with their circumstance, and what is going on in this state, our environment. Things out of my control -- yet so integral to our success or failure.
Farming is a unique circumstance -- organic farming even more; as there is no way around time; all good builds in time, there is no renting of a piece of good, there is only the long term nurturing -- "purchase" -- of this thing.
But with that comes incredible vulnerability, too. Our roots grow deeper with each day; when those around us, their strength is their mobility, and with that mobility our vulnerability grows.
Our situation now is one of profound vulnerability. Every step forward -- is a step towards trusting others and their wisdom -- and a step closer to the possibility of our losing everything. We are at that point - over and there is no going back; there is either success or failure.
In that role as entrepreneur - and the role as father - provider for my family - I truly have to wonder whether this is worth it. Who will rally to our side to win the day? What is there, here, to win? Am I a world-class fool believing in some ego way that I have a role to play in creating a better future for all -- or do I -- in safety -- resign to a cynical yet predominate attitude of better look out for yourself because no one else will.
Yet -- as a father -- in my role, in that messy spill-prone role, it isn't easy to just say safety-for the now. How often I have seen where my children are really looking at me -- what I do, what I say, how I conduct myself -- and what they are learning from that. What shall I teach my children? Courage? Cowardice? Hope? Cynicism? What is today's lesson for them -- and I can tell them what I believe the message to be -- but they will take from it what they will, not what I tell them to. Do as I say not what I do -- good luck with that one -- that I have seen and isn't hard to believe -- that comes back to bite you hard one day -- the punishment being the suffering of our children -- wrong lessons learned -- and that our punishment is to have to see their suffering, and every parent knows there is no greater sorrow than that; none we could ever feel of ourselves. Those most evil in this world do that -- force the parent to watch some horror of the child, knowing how much worse that is. Yet, I worry what I will inflict through my actions, today, in what lessons my children learn from how I conduct myself.
It is a distinct possibility in all possible scenarios of this playing out that the destruction of our way of life -- our farm -- our dairy -- will happen. Will I have grace? Will I be destroyed? With my destruction - will I destroy my family's future? Is how this is to be -- the lesson that cannot be taught in words -- only in experience -- that this farm must die, a part of me must die -- for some better future? If I knew that it would benefit my children -- would I be willing to make that sacrifice today for them?
Does all this mean I am depressed, dwelling on failure -- no -- not at all -- but I cannot ignore all the possible outcomes; the honest evaluation of them. And as much as I need to be honest with myself and evaluate this dispassionately -- I also cannot help but feel the love of hope -- nor stop myself from dreaming of this future I do see so clearly -- happy farmers -- here in Wisconsin -- happy people of Wisconsin -- I simply cannot keep my mind or heart in that cynical place, it just isn't me, nor can I make myself believe I have no role in this; it would be easy to be a bystander, to watch it all go by - but then what pain of this future world I removed myself from responsibility for - that I will see over and again - for eternity?
So then here I am -- no more sure than when I started. Confused; sometimes frightened, despondent, cynical -- but then -- I look out over our beautiful farm, I look at my beautiful children, I see hope -- I seek out hope -- and I get back to work, and I feel strong.
